My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text