Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist