I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.