Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dougbies's best tweets

@dougbies : I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

@dougbies: Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

@dougbies: Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@dougbies: Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@dougbies: There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

@dougbies: BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it's time to wake up

@dougbies: My phone died, so I was forced to "print" a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

@dougbies: I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

@dougbies: I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don't like

@dougbies: All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt