I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days