My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
channeling her this year
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”