“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too