*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.