British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled