a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*