My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Saturday
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
May your day taste like creamy soup.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.