Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You Might Also Like
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Lmao
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.