I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
You Might Also Like
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I enjoy a good short stor
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.