A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.