Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.