Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.