A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants