A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I have questions??
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
based al yankovic
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.