Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.