If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet