@dshack8

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

@dshack8

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

@dshack8

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

@dshack8

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

@dshack8

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

@dshack8

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

@dshack8

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@dshack8

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.