Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it