@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@dubstep4dads

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@dubstep4dads

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

@dubstep4dads

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

@dubstep4dads

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

@dubstep4dads

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

@dubstep4dads

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏