Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.