Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.