@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

@dumbbeezie

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@dumbbeezie

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

@dumbbeezie

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year