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@dumbbeezie : Friend: I'm getting married
Me: OMG, I'm so sorry. How long do you have?
@dumbbeezie: Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
@dumbbeezie: Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
@dumbbeezie: I don't have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I'm doing badly
@dumbbeezie: Please don't leave that cake alone with me
@dumbbeezie: I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
@dumbbeezie: No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
@dumbbeezie: After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
@dumbbeezie: Me: I'm in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
@dumbbeezie: If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating