Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dumbbeezie's best tweets

@dumbbeezie : When someone tells you that you can't do something, ignore them. That's how people trick you into doing things

@dumbbeezie: People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@dumbbeezie: I don't care how many stars this restaurant has, I'm ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@dumbbeezie: Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn't breathe
Cop: Why didn't you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

@dumbbeezie: Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

@dumbbeezie: (at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

@dumbbeezie: Door: PULL.

Me: Don't tell me what to do.

@dumbbeezie: No I don't want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn't like me looking at other phones.

@dumbbeezie: When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it's probably not cake. I'm tired of the let down.

@dumbbeezie: Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock