@dumbbeezie: People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
@dumbbeezie: I don't care how many stars this restaurant has, I'm ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
@dumbbeezie: Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn't breathe
Cop: Why didn't you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
@dumbbeezie: Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend
@dumbbeezie: No I don't want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn't like me looking at other phones.
@dumbbeezie: When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it's probably not cake. I'm tired of the let down.