Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue