Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?