at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.