Saturday
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.