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Page of dumbbeezie's best tweets

@dumbbeezie : Fuck off, automated sinks that give you three seconds of water to wash your filthy hands. You don’t know me

@dumbbeezie: I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

@dumbbeezie: If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

@dumbbeezie: Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

@dumbbeezie: I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@dumbbeezie: I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

@dumbbeezie: I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@dumbbeezie: I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

@dumbbeezie: My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

@dumbbeezie: Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?