What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.