It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I’m aging like a fine banana
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are