Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one