I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks