Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad