Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need