Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Please vote for people who are attractive
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Mike is short for Micycle
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you