What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Said the murderer.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.