[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.