Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.