Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.