[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.