FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.