[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.