*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!