DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*