Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.