When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.