*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.